The day after hearing the news that Joel was on his way home, I received a text from the dodge ball friend, who said she'd been whistling and smiling all day thinking of our family. She said she even had two people say to her, "I didn't know you were a whistler."
That's the kind of friend she is.
At night, Grace goes to bed, and she is not kept awake by her anxiety or sadness; she knows her dad will be gone to work when she wakes and that he will be home each night. Her mind can finally rest as it should at night.
Nathan had ordered a movie ("Forrest Gump") from Netflix and we had planned on watching it Monday evening after we were all home from school/work. But then his coach asked him to help out with the middle school swimmers and I remembered that I had yoga class...so Nate said, "We can just save it for tomorrow...watch it then..." And it hit me that, yes, we could save it for tomorrow. It was a revelation. For three years, when we saw Joel, we lived our lives in hyperdrive, like we had to fit it all in in such a tiny amount of time. Often, even something as simple as figuring the logistics of watching a movie together, was not so easily solved when we had to factor in other activities that were maybe higher up on our list. Now, we could all...relax a little.
Since Saturday night, I've been going to bed with my husband and, like Grace, I am not left awake for hours, unable to turn my racing mind off, finally, I can sleep, too.
And Joel, he comes home from work and calls out: "He--LLO--- FAMILY!" Just like he did before he ever left.
And we are grateful and happy.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Happy Birthday Joel--Balls, Balls, Everywhere!
Thursday, March 15, 2012: He was guided by Grace; he was persistent; he was resolute. His supervisors, inspired by his words, his determination to make something happen, put a date on it: March 25. They sent the fax off, yet again, requesting that he be accepted for duty at the Detroit Sector, but this time with an exact date: the start of the next pay period, March 25.
Joel had unearthed his ball and he put it right back into play!
He called me with the news. He told me about the date. He said his supervisors were going to "push this through" for him to get an answer from the "higher ups". He said that they were as determined as he was. He was elated. I was astounded; my eyes immediately filled but did not spill. Yet, after I hung up, quiet caution crept in, three years, two and a half months...such a long time with various and vague hopes that were never realized...
Nathan, calm, knowing, and sure said for the second time in two days: "He'll get it this time."
Me, confused and unsure: "Are you just saying that to make me feel better, or do you still really feel it?" (A few hours after I had dropped Joel off at the airport, he said he just felt it--that Joel would get it this time. He also said he knew Joel had finally learned that he needs to be more aggressive and that the guys he works for simply won't let him quit because he belongs in that job field.)
Nathan had heard about this story: When we were in Mexico, his brother, Dino, brought it up to him, about what he's been doing to get home to us these past two months, and then came the word "aggressive" and I couldn't help myself, I started to sing the old middle school/high school cheer: "Be! Ag-GRES-sive! Be! Be! Ag-GRES-sive!"
So Nathan knew: Leg work, combined with faith in yourself and the faith of others, combined with excellent work ethic equals Joel will finally get assigned a detail to work in Michigan. My son, the calm blue sea who makes others feel so at ease and peaceful, made me feel, at least for the moment, that this could be it.
But still, we did not tell Grace.
Inexplicably, I did tell everyone else. Not really on purpose. I didn't set out to tell people like my (favorite) sixth grade teacher, whom I hadn't seen in (calculating...) wow, 28 years or so (over 30 if you count from when he was last my teacher), but whom I had breakfast with on the morning of (and into the afternoon of) the 20th; he quizzed me on my life story and out it flowed.
I told school moms and school office workers who knew our story, because over the course of the school year it was revealed in one way or another, by Grace's frequent absences, by the absence and sudden appearance of her father, by the uncharacteristic (they thought) sadness during those moments in the mornings just before the school bell rang, when she was seeing him for the last time until...she never knew when...I told them. I told people every detail, down to the March 25th date. I told people who asked, like my sister, Cheri, who had read the latest post and knew the story of the night before Joel left, so she asked what happened with it once he'd been back to work in Arizona...and she happened to ask in front of all our book club members, so I told all of them, too!
And maybe Joel told his people...friends, family, I don't really know. But I do know the whole group of guys he worked with, and even the ones he rarely saw, knew about it because he said, "The news is spreading around the station; everyone knows about it, even this guy I hardly ever see from the K-9 Unit said something to me the other day; everyone's pulling for me, Gina..."
In a sense, together, we had started an energy chain...a prayer chain. Not that friends and family were not already always sending out their prayers and goodwill to us, but this time we had an exact date in a succinct time frame. If those people prayed, and even if they didn't, but simply hoped for it to work out for us--for Joel to get home to us by March 25th to work the same job in Michigan, so he could be with his family, finally-- now they had a pinpoint-focus.
Thoughts are energy and energy equals matter...thoughts do matter...
It's funny because really, I was worn and weary. My usually acute vision was blurred. Though I spoke hopefully to others about the magical March 25th date, it was not because my armored heart truly believed anything one way or the other. (My son's words soothed me, but could not completely convince me to drop that armor just yet.) It was because my head knew that my entire being (even my hiding heart) did believe in the power of thoughts and intentions, in the power of energy creating a reality--in other words, along with doing the all-important leg work to make things happen, I still believed in the power of prayer.
But though I was hopeful and optimistic when I spoke to others--because that's who I truly am in my buried core--my heart could only peek warily over the protective barriers. I couldn't see clearly to feel ...anything. I said this to Joel and to Nathan who were both so sure this time, especially Nathan. I realized that in juggling all the balls I tried to keep in the air for the past three plus years, and in trying to help Joel find his lost ball this past month, I had lost my own very special ball, the one made of crystal. At some point, without realizing it, I must have passed it off to Nathan, because he never wavered in his conviction that Joel would be home by the 25th.
Thursday, March 22, 2012: Still no news, but I did get a voicemail from a friend who had only the purest of intentions but who had inadvertently hurled a big, red dodge ball right at my gut with the perfect aim and velocity to knock the wind right out of me. She said, "Obviously the 25th isn't happening..." She went on to ask if we had heard any other news, a new date perhaps, that she could focus on for us...
The reason that ball had such power is because she put into words what I kept pushing to the back of my mind. The reason it had such power is because though I only wanted to believe that Nathan and Joel's intuitions were spot on, I didn't. It seemed too far-fetched. But to believe her words seemed...more realistic.
Yet, because some part of me knew that I must at least make others believe, I continued to spread the news to anyone I could, including that friend, to whom I reiterated the date in a text: Hi...Just heard your message. We're still waiting to hear and hoping for the 25th.
I had a hair-cutting appointment that I had forgotten about, and I didn't even want to go to because I knew she'd ask about Joel. But I went. I told her of the mystical March date and this time, I felt a little foolish because she could see I was only pretending to be hopeful and I could see that she was more than a little perturbed at my husband. She's never met him and she's always verbalized support our way, but I think she was just fed up with the whole situation and he was easiest to take it out on. The dodge balls were coming from all angles now.
Before driving home, I called Joel (told him lightly how I had inadvertently created friction between him and my hair dresser friend) who tried to reassure me that things were happening, he didn't know exactly what yet, but he was set to talk to his supervisor after he was done in the field at the end of his shift. He said: "If the answer was no, then they would've just told me already, right? And why would all these people know about and sound so positive...?"
Later, after Nate was home from school and I had just returned from my appointment, I asked him yet again: "Are you sure? Do you really feel it still?"
Without pause, he replied: "I'm sure. March 25th, Mom. He'll get it. He won't have to quit, he'll get it."
I balked: "But the 25th?? It takes two days to drive!"
My son, still so calm and clear, like the blue skies above during our two weeks of summer in this remarkable Michigan March, said: "He'll find out today that he got it."
Just like that.
An hour and half later, while Cheri was visiting after dropping off a dozen eggs from her friend's backyard chickens, and Grace was on a play-date (Providence: Nate and I had purposely kept her out of this ongoing seven day match...) Joel called to let me know he had received a call from a guy who he'd been talking to since this started, he mentioned, essentially, that he would be Joel's liaison while he was in Michigan...but then the guy said he really doesn't know anything and he has no authority to tell him whether he got the job in Michigan, but if he DID, then x y z...
And though I was finally hopeful, I still could not let myself fully believe it was happening.
Fifteen minutes later, Nathan was on one side of me and Cheri was on the other when I got the text from Joel just before I had to pick Grace up: I got it! Approved to start March 25. Waiting on a call back to get the next two days off. Will call in a few. Coming home baby!
When your balls are lost, when you can't keep track of all of them, when you feel like they are coming at you from all directions, it's nice to have friends and family who help you stay in the game. Thank you for the support and love; thank you to all at the station who helped "push it through" for my husband; thank you to those who, really stayed focused on that ethereal (at least to me) March 25 date as the day that Joel would get to come work and live in Michigan.
As promised to Nathan, I did not say anything to Grace until we were home so he (and his dad, who was there to pick him up by the time I got back), could see her reaction. Her friends were there in our drive-way, waiting to see if she could play, but we told them to give us a minute, and she knew, we barely got the words out... she shrieked with joy, "Daddy's coming home!!!??? He's really coming home for good??" We grabbed each other in a bouncy hug (bouncy--of course) as she chanted and we continued up and down in circles, while her friends looked on, "My daddy's coming home, my daddy's coming home...!" We clarified that it would only be the "job detail" that we had talked about back in January: 90 days here alternating with 30 days in Arizona for the next year and a half. But none of us, including Grace, cared. Joel was finally coming home and he didn't have to quit his job to do it.
But then she did ask when. When will he be coming home? I started to give her the "We're not exactly sure but in a few days" answer, when Nathan interrupted me with: "He's leaving tonight. He's packing right now and leaving. He called again while you were getting Grace..."
Grace was elevated to a higher shrieking decibel, "To-NIGHT??? Daddy's coming home toNIGHT?"
I was finally able to release without thought and the tears came. My husband was coming home...tonight. And I let my son hug me while my daughter ran up the street to spread the news.
By Saturday, the 24th, Joel had made it home to start work on Monday morning, March 26, the day before his 43rd birthday.
By late Sunday morning as we sat together on our sunny porch swing having lunch, one of the dad's from up the street, who was walking their dog congratulated Joel on getting home, and Joel wondered aloud at how he knew he was home-home. "Your daughter told the neighborhood and anyone else who would listen that Thursday night."
Happy Birthday, Honey. It's so good to have you home.
Joel had unearthed his ball and he put it right back into play!
He called me with the news. He told me about the date. He said his supervisors were going to "push this through" for him to get an answer from the "higher ups". He said that they were as determined as he was. He was elated. I was astounded; my eyes immediately filled but did not spill. Yet, after I hung up, quiet caution crept in, three years, two and a half months...such a long time with various and vague hopes that were never realized...
Nathan, calm, knowing, and sure said for the second time in two days: "He'll get it this time."
Me, confused and unsure: "Are you just saying that to make me feel better, or do you still really feel it?" (A few hours after I had dropped Joel off at the airport, he said he just felt it--that Joel would get it this time. He also said he knew Joel had finally learned that he needs to be more aggressive and that the guys he works for simply won't let him quit because he belongs in that job field.)
Nathan had heard about this story: When we were in Mexico, his brother, Dino, brought it up to him, about what he's been doing to get home to us these past two months, and then came the word "aggressive" and I couldn't help myself, I started to sing the old middle school/high school cheer: "Be! Ag-GRES-sive! Be! Be! Ag-GRES-sive!"
So Nathan knew: Leg work, combined with faith in yourself and the faith of others, combined with excellent work ethic equals Joel will finally get assigned a detail to work in Michigan. My son, the calm blue sea who makes others feel so at ease and peaceful, made me feel, at least for the moment, that this could be it.
But still, we did not tell Grace.
Inexplicably, I did tell everyone else. Not really on purpose. I didn't set out to tell people like my (favorite) sixth grade teacher, whom I hadn't seen in (calculating...) wow, 28 years or so (over 30 if you count from when he was last my teacher), but whom I had breakfast with on the morning of (and into the afternoon of) the 20th; he quizzed me on my life story and out it flowed.
I told school moms and school office workers who knew our story, because over the course of the school year it was revealed in one way or another, by Grace's frequent absences, by the absence and sudden appearance of her father, by the uncharacteristic (they thought) sadness during those moments in the mornings just before the school bell rang, when she was seeing him for the last time until...she never knew when...I told them. I told people every detail, down to the March 25th date. I told people who asked, like my sister, Cheri, who had read the latest post and knew the story of the night before Joel left, so she asked what happened with it once he'd been back to work in Arizona...and she happened to ask in front of all our book club members, so I told all of them, too!
And maybe Joel told his people...friends, family, I don't really know. But I do know the whole group of guys he worked with, and even the ones he rarely saw, knew about it because he said, "The news is spreading around the station; everyone knows about it, even this guy I hardly ever see from the K-9 Unit said something to me the other day; everyone's pulling for me, Gina..."
In a sense, together, we had started an energy chain...a prayer chain. Not that friends and family were not already always sending out their prayers and goodwill to us, but this time we had an exact date in a succinct time frame. If those people prayed, and even if they didn't, but simply hoped for it to work out for us--for Joel to get home to us by March 25th to work the same job in Michigan, so he could be with his family, finally-- now they had a pinpoint-focus.
Thoughts are energy and energy equals matter...thoughts do matter...
It's funny because really, I was worn and weary. My usually acute vision was blurred. Though I spoke hopefully to others about the magical March 25th date, it was not because my armored heart truly believed anything one way or the other. (My son's words soothed me, but could not completely convince me to drop that armor just yet.) It was because my head knew that my entire being (even my hiding heart) did believe in the power of thoughts and intentions, in the power of energy creating a reality--in other words, along with doing the all-important leg work to make things happen, I still believed in the power of prayer.
But though I was hopeful and optimistic when I spoke to others--because that's who I truly am in my buried core--my heart could only peek warily over the protective barriers. I couldn't see clearly to feel ...anything. I said this to Joel and to Nathan who were both so sure this time, especially Nathan. I realized that in juggling all the balls I tried to keep in the air for the past three plus years, and in trying to help Joel find his lost ball this past month, I had lost my own very special ball, the one made of crystal. At some point, without realizing it, I must have passed it off to Nathan, because he never wavered in his conviction that Joel would be home by the 25th.
Thursday, March 22, 2012: Still no news, but I did get a voicemail from a friend who had only the purest of intentions but who had inadvertently hurled a big, red dodge ball right at my gut with the perfect aim and velocity to knock the wind right out of me. She said, "Obviously the 25th isn't happening..." She went on to ask if we had heard any other news, a new date perhaps, that she could focus on for us...
The reason that ball had such power is because she put into words what I kept pushing to the back of my mind. The reason it had such power is because though I only wanted to believe that Nathan and Joel's intuitions were spot on, I didn't. It seemed too far-fetched. But to believe her words seemed...more realistic.
Yet, because some part of me knew that I must at least make others believe, I continued to spread the news to anyone I could, including that friend, to whom I reiterated the date in a text: Hi...Just heard your message. We're still waiting to hear and hoping for the 25th.
I had a hair-cutting appointment that I had forgotten about, and I didn't even want to go to because I knew she'd ask about Joel. But I went. I told her of the mystical March date and this time, I felt a little foolish because she could see I was only pretending to be hopeful and I could see that she was more than a little perturbed at my husband. She's never met him and she's always verbalized support our way, but I think she was just fed up with the whole situation and he was easiest to take it out on. The dodge balls were coming from all angles now.
Before driving home, I called Joel (told him lightly how I had inadvertently created friction between him and my hair dresser friend) who tried to reassure me that things were happening, he didn't know exactly what yet, but he was set to talk to his supervisor after he was done in the field at the end of his shift. He said: "If the answer was no, then they would've just told me already, right? And why would all these people know about and sound so positive...?"
Later, after Nate was home from school and I had just returned from my appointment, I asked him yet again: "Are you sure? Do you really feel it still?"
Without pause, he replied: "I'm sure. March 25th, Mom. He'll get it. He won't have to quit, he'll get it."
I balked: "But the 25th?? It takes two days to drive!"
My son, still so calm and clear, like the blue skies above during our two weeks of summer in this remarkable Michigan March, said: "He'll find out today that he got it."
Just like that.
An hour and half later, while Cheri was visiting after dropping off a dozen eggs from her friend's backyard chickens, and Grace was on a play-date (Providence: Nate and I had purposely kept her out of this ongoing seven day match...) Joel called to let me know he had received a call from a guy who he'd been talking to since this started, he mentioned, essentially, that he would be Joel's liaison while he was in Michigan...but then the guy said he really doesn't know anything and he has no authority to tell him whether he got the job in Michigan, but if he DID, then x y z...
And though I was finally hopeful, I still could not let myself fully believe it was happening.
Fifteen minutes later, Nathan was on one side of me and Cheri was on the other when I got the text from Joel just before I had to pick Grace up: I got it! Approved to start March 25. Waiting on a call back to get the next two days off. Will call in a few. Coming home baby!
When your balls are lost, when you can't keep track of all of them, when you feel like they are coming at you from all directions, it's nice to have friends and family who help you stay in the game. Thank you for the support and love; thank you to all at the station who helped "push it through" for my husband; thank you to those who, really stayed focused on that ethereal (at least to me) March 25 date as the day that Joel would get to come work and live in Michigan.
As promised to Nathan, I did not say anything to Grace until we were home so he (and his dad, who was there to pick him up by the time I got back), could see her reaction. Her friends were there in our drive-way, waiting to see if she could play, but we told them to give us a minute, and she knew, we barely got the words out... she shrieked with joy, "Daddy's coming home!!!??? He's really coming home for good??" We grabbed each other in a bouncy hug (bouncy--of course) as she chanted and we continued up and down in circles, while her friends looked on, "My daddy's coming home, my daddy's coming home...!" We clarified that it would only be the "job detail" that we had talked about back in January: 90 days here alternating with 30 days in Arizona for the next year and a half. But none of us, including Grace, cared. Joel was finally coming home and he didn't have to quit his job to do it.
But then she did ask when. When will he be coming home? I started to give her the "We're not exactly sure but in a few days" answer, when Nathan interrupted me with: "He's leaving tonight. He's packing right now and leaving. He called again while you were getting Grace..."
Grace was elevated to a higher shrieking decibel, "To-NIGHT??? Daddy's coming home toNIGHT?"
I was finally able to release without thought and the tears came. My husband was coming home...tonight. And I let my son hug me while my daughter ran up the street to spread the news.
By Saturday, the 24th, Joel had made it home to start work on Monday morning, March 26, the day before his 43rd birthday.
By late Sunday morning as we sat together on our sunny porch swing having lunch, one of the dad's from up the street, who was walking their dog congratulated Joel on getting home, and Joel wondered aloud at how he knew he was home-home. "Your daughter told the neighborhood and anyone else who would listen that Thursday night."
Happy Birthday, Honey. It's so good to have you home.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Ball is Lost
And only Joel can find it. That's what he had to realize. It was still in his court, so it's still on him to make something happen. He will. Tomorrow. He will fly in too late tonight, but tomorrow, he will do something about finding that ball and putting it back into play.
Grace's sobbing last night and her adult words and her adult confusion: "I don't know what to do; I don't know what to do..." We told her it's not up to her to do anything...but I know why she was saying it. At one point, after 25 minutes of her gut-wrenching sobbing that she could not stop, though she tried, Joel told her through his own quiet tears that he would have an answer for her in a week. That if they didn't answer him about getting back to Michigan, he would quit and come home. She cried out in frustration and sorrow, "But that's why I'm crying, too! I don't want you to have to quit your job! You like (your job) and how will you earn money for our family?" Her intelligence and maturity are piercing.
Joel said: "But Grace, I like you and Nathan and mom even more and I want to be home with you guys again. Don't worry about what job I'll have, or mom will have (earlier she had tearfully said that she doesn't want me to have to go back to nursing because she knows I am trying to be a writer...piercing)..."
And again, she sat up (we had been tucking her into bed for the night and she knew he would leave while she was at school today), and said, "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do..." And finally she lay down in a ball and said, "I'm staying in this bed; I'm staying in bed forever; I don't want to do anything or see anyone. I don't want you to leave, Daddy. Don't leave, Daddy..."
Last month, on February 14, while Joel was still in town for the Daddy-Daughter Dance, I asked her teacher after school about her opinion of whether she thought it would be okay for Grace to miss yet another day of school the next day since Joel was leaving. She said it would be fine and then she said, "I have to tell you: your daughter is just lovely. Today I watched her literally BOUNCING down the hall, and I thought (sigh) 'I wish we could all be like Grace.'..." then she quickly added, "I don't mean that in a naive way; I know Grace knows that it isn't all easy. She's just so happy with life..."
She BOUNCES. Grace really does bounce. Two days after that, after Joel had already left, I heard her singing a song she'd made up. Grace has been making up songs since she could speak and though I usually listen, there are times, such as that day, when I'm too distracted to really listen to her words. It was an upbeat tune, but when I finally caught some of what she was saying, I was moved: "Doctor can you help me? I'm not hurtin' in my bones. I'm hurting in my heart."
So last night, that sad, sad little girl finally fell asleep and woke this morning, telling us, "I'm not moving from this bed; I'm staying here; I don't want you to go, Daddy." She cried a little more--begged us to let her stay home in bed. But I know my daughter. I told her she would end up feeling better at school no matter how much she didn't want to move from where she was. She has a math test today and she really does miss so much school...but I told her if she went until noon, I would be done dropping Daddy off and I would come get her if she still felt like she couldn't be there. I called her wonderfully-awesome-best-teacher-in-the-world and told her the situation to see if Grace could take the test during morning self-start and her teacher (I wish I could say her name, but don't want to unless I get her permission and I haven't...) said that would be fine, she even said she could gather all the work, including the test, so Grace could do it at home today, or that she could do the test tomorrow if she left at noon...she was so accommodating to Grace's needs (as she always is), I love her. Grace loves her. We are so lucky to have her as Grace's fourth grade teacher. Joel said today, "There's a reason Grace got (her) as a teacher."
I was there at noon. Grace was skipping up to greet me from the lunchroom to tell me she decided to stay. Her ball is not lost. Grace will show Joel how to find his and make it bounce, too.
P.S. I just picked her up from school and saw that in her school agenda for her weekly goals she had written: "Try not to cry."
Definitely not naive. And she does what needs to be done when it needs to be done. She got out of that bed and she went to school. Her teacher is right, we should all be more like Grace.
Grace's sobbing last night and her adult words and her adult confusion: "I don't know what to do; I don't know what to do..." We told her it's not up to her to do anything...but I know why she was saying it. At one point, after 25 minutes of her gut-wrenching sobbing that she could not stop, though she tried, Joel told her through his own quiet tears that he would have an answer for her in a week. That if they didn't answer him about getting back to Michigan, he would quit and come home. She cried out in frustration and sorrow, "But that's why I'm crying, too! I don't want you to have to quit your job! You like (your job) and how will you earn money for our family?" Her intelligence and maturity are piercing.
Joel said: "But Grace, I like you and Nathan and mom even more and I want to be home with you guys again. Don't worry about what job I'll have, or mom will have (earlier she had tearfully said that she doesn't want me to have to go back to nursing because she knows I am trying to be a writer...piercing)..."
And again, she sat up (we had been tucking her into bed for the night and she knew he would leave while she was at school today), and said, "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do..." And finally she lay down in a ball and said, "I'm staying in this bed; I'm staying in bed forever; I don't want to do anything or see anyone. I don't want you to leave, Daddy. Don't leave, Daddy..."
Last month, on February 14, while Joel was still in town for the Daddy-Daughter Dance, I asked her teacher after school about her opinion of whether she thought it would be okay for Grace to miss yet another day of school the next day since Joel was leaving. She said it would be fine and then she said, "I have to tell you: your daughter is just lovely. Today I watched her literally BOUNCING down the hall, and I thought (sigh) 'I wish we could all be like Grace.'..." then she quickly added, "I don't mean that in a naive way; I know Grace knows that it isn't all easy. She's just so happy with life..."
She BOUNCES. Grace really does bounce. Two days after that, after Joel had already left, I heard her singing a song she'd made up. Grace has been making up songs since she could speak and though I usually listen, there are times, such as that day, when I'm too distracted to really listen to her words. It was an upbeat tune, but when I finally caught some of what she was saying, I was moved: "Doctor can you help me? I'm not hurtin' in my bones. I'm hurting in my heart."
So last night, that sad, sad little girl finally fell asleep and woke this morning, telling us, "I'm not moving from this bed; I'm staying here; I don't want you to go, Daddy." She cried a little more--begged us to let her stay home in bed. But I know my daughter. I told her she would end up feeling better at school no matter how much she didn't want to move from where she was. She has a math test today and she really does miss so much school...but I told her if she went until noon, I would be done dropping Daddy off and I would come get her if she still felt like she couldn't be there. I called her wonderfully-awesome-best-teacher-in-the-world and told her the situation to see if Grace could take the test during morning self-start and her teacher (I wish I could say her name, but don't want to unless I get her permission and I haven't...) said that would be fine, she even said she could gather all the work, including the test, so Grace could do it at home today, or that she could do the test tomorrow if she left at noon...she was so accommodating to Grace's needs (as she always is), I love her. Grace loves her. We are so lucky to have her as Grace's fourth grade teacher. Joel said today, "There's a reason Grace got (her) as a teacher."
I was there at noon. Grace was skipping up to greet me from the lunchroom to tell me she decided to stay. Her ball is not lost. Grace will show Joel how to find his and make it bounce, too.
P.S. I just picked her up from school and saw that in her school agenda for her weekly goals she had written: "Try not to cry."
Definitely not naive. And she does what needs to be done when it needs to be done. She got out of that bed and she went to school. Her teacher is right, we should all be more like Grace.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
They Hold Hands and She Realizes a New Love
Well I may not be much of a poet, but I love it. I never knew I loved it until recently. By recently, I mean since Joel has been gone. Sometimes, over the past 15 years or so, a poem would flow out onto my journal pages, but it never occurred to me until a few years ago to read poetry, to study poetry (and poets), to write more poetry in a conscious effort to maybe become a poet (that one obviously still hasn't stuck, but it's a good goal, right?).
In eighth grade, eight of us were chosen to be in a special advanced reading program that the school was piloting; we would study different aspects of literature or writing each quarter, each time with a different teacher. I can pinpoint the last day of Poetry class with the very strict, no-nonsense and no-fun teacher, rumored to be an ex-nun (think ruler slapping on the desks...at least it wasn't our knuckles), as the day I joyfully told myself I would never have to read poetry again.
And I never gave poetry another thought.
But then Joel left. And now, more and more, out of the blue, I write poems in my journal. No thought about it beforehand, I would just sit down to write as usual, and it would come out as a poem. If a writer wants to be a writer, he or she must share their writings with others. No matter how lousy the story, a writer must write and they must eventually share what they write with others. If a poet wants to be a poet...
Here's another one that came to me on February 15, the day Joel left. A-gain. He had only been with us for four days (per usual), for the Daddy-Daughter Dance. Still no answer from the higher ups he spoke with on January 9. We thought for sure he'd be home for it, but finally, paying double the price because we waited so long in the hopes that he would be driving, he bought another plane ticket to come home.
And leave.
A-gain.
Now the difference here, about this poem, is that it came to me, but I didn't write it down, because I have so much going on right now. But it wouldn't leave me. So I wrote the gist of it quickly, knowing I would later write it as a poem. That's a first. I mean, that conscious effort, that I would write my thoughts as a poem rather than in a journaling format. I'm getting there...
Keep this in mind for yourself, too. It doesn't have to be writing. Whatever it is for you, that thing you have a passion for, that thing that makes you forget all sense of time, that thing that you have loved doing since you were a child...start doing it! And if you already are doing it, but you are not sharing it with others--put it out there! Just try it. I guarantee it will be the scariest and hardest thing you do, but it will also be the most joyful and satisfying work of your life. And just like anything else, you will have to work your ass off, for years maybe, before you are good enough to get recognition from the outside world, but that won't matter; once you start, you will never want to go back.
So here, I expand my writing genres to include some mediocre poetry (really, I have no idea; maybe it's worse than mediocre, maybe it's better; for now, I don't care, I only know that I love it and I want to keep working at it to improve my overall skills as a writer.):
They hold hands
Before they
Touch
Or see each other
Their light
Reaches out
A rainbow becoming a beautiful braid
They are intertwined
He is on a plane
Again
She is in a car
But they see
feel
Their plait of light, connecting, entangling
She looks up
Knows it is
him
At the exact moment
He looks down to
see her
car
They hold hands
Driving
only four days
They hold
hands
A physical connection
But their plait is
Undone
Their rainbow braid disentangled
disconnected
pooled at their feet
Less painful than the
Sudden sever
At the airport
Again
They hold hands
They kiss
Hug
They are in love
But already
Gone
From each other
Until
Next
Time
When
They hold hands
Again
g
In eighth grade, eight of us were chosen to be in a special advanced reading program that the school was piloting; we would study different aspects of literature or writing each quarter, each time with a different teacher. I can pinpoint the last day of Poetry class with the very strict, no-nonsense and no-fun teacher, rumored to be an ex-nun (think ruler slapping on the desks...at least it wasn't our knuckles), as the day I joyfully told myself I would never have to read poetry again.
And I never gave poetry another thought.
But then Joel left. And now, more and more, out of the blue, I write poems in my journal. No thought about it beforehand, I would just sit down to write as usual, and it would come out as a poem. If a writer wants to be a writer, he or she must share their writings with others. No matter how lousy the story, a writer must write and they must eventually share what they write with others. If a poet wants to be a poet...
Here's another one that came to me on February 15, the day Joel left. A-gain. He had only been with us for four days (per usual), for the Daddy-Daughter Dance. Still no answer from the higher ups he spoke with on January 9. We thought for sure he'd be home for it, but finally, paying double the price because we waited so long in the hopes that he would be driving, he bought another plane ticket to come home.
And leave.
A-gain.
Now the difference here, about this poem, is that it came to me, but I didn't write it down, because I have so much going on right now. But it wouldn't leave me. So I wrote the gist of it quickly, knowing I would later write it as a poem. That's a first. I mean, that conscious effort, that I would write my thoughts as a poem rather than in a journaling format. I'm getting there...
Keep this in mind for yourself, too. It doesn't have to be writing. Whatever it is for you, that thing you have a passion for, that thing that makes you forget all sense of time, that thing that you have loved doing since you were a child...start doing it! And if you already are doing it, but you are not sharing it with others--put it out there! Just try it. I guarantee it will be the scariest and hardest thing you do, but it will also be the most joyful and satisfying work of your life. And just like anything else, you will have to work your ass off, for years maybe, before you are good enough to get recognition from the outside world, but that won't matter; once you start, you will never want to go back.
So here, I expand my writing genres to include some mediocre poetry (really, I have no idea; maybe it's worse than mediocre, maybe it's better; for now, I don't care, I only know that I love it and I want to keep working at it to improve my overall skills as a writer.):
They hold hands
Before they
Touch
Or see each other
Their light
Reaches out
A rainbow becoming a beautiful braid
They are intertwined
He is on a plane
Again
She is in a car
But they see
feel
Their plait of light, connecting, entangling
She looks up
Knows it is
him
At the exact moment
He looks down to
see her
car
They hold hands
Driving
only four days
They hold
hands
A physical connection
But their plait is
Undone
Their rainbow braid disentangled
disconnected
pooled at their feet
Less painful than the
Sudden sever
At the airport
Again
They hold hands
They kiss
Hug
They are in love
But already
Gone
From each other
Until
Next
Time
When
They hold hands
Again
g
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Still Rolling...And Bouncing
Up
Down
Up
Down
we wait
we wonder
we wax
we wane
we try to stay in rhythm
with the bounce
Down
Up
Up
down
we feel the jerk
the jarring of our being
when we lose the rhythm
but we keep rolling
and we bounce
Down
Up
Down
we wait
we wonder
we wax
we wane
we try to stay in rhythm
with the bounce
Down
Up
Up
down
we feel the jerk
the jarring of our being
when we lose the rhythm
but we keep rolling
and we bounce
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The Ball Is Rolling
Yesterday Joel sent me this text: "The ball is rolling. Talked to one supervisor. Tears rolling instantly. Writing a memo right now to send up the chain."
Three years and six days after he started. We might finally be getting help from the decision makers to get him home to us. At least until Nathan graduates.
If anyone ever reads this, your prayers, light, love, anything-- would be so appreciated if you could help this along to get Joel home to his family with his job intact.
Oh, and Grace is good. I'm now in her classroom regularly, twice a week. I see now...and I saw even in December, when her teacher first invited me to volunteer regularly in her classroom, that the problems stemmed mostly from the girl who was supposed to be her friend. That girl's untruthful gossip was a big part of all of the other bullying problems. Her teacher and the principal are wonderful and have even gone so far as to assign lunch seats so that Grace is at a mostly-boys table (the boys don't pick on her) and things have been so much better for her. She has learned and accepted some things. She's had to grow up too fast, but...
Grace is good.
Three years and six days after he started. We might finally be getting help from the decision makers to get him home to us. At least until Nathan graduates.
If anyone ever reads this, your prayers, light, love, anything-- would be so appreciated if you could help this along to get Joel home to his family with his job intact.
Oh, and Grace is good. I'm now in her classroom regularly, twice a week. I see now...and I saw even in December, when her teacher first invited me to volunteer regularly in her classroom, that the problems stemmed mostly from the girl who was supposed to be her friend. That girl's untruthful gossip was a big part of all of the other bullying problems. Her teacher and the principal are wonderful and have even gone so far as to assign lunch seats so that Grace is at a mostly-boys table (the boys don't pick on her) and things have been so much better for her. She has learned and accepted some things. She's had to grow up too fast, but...
Grace is good.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
I've Fallen and I'm Trying to Get Up-November 8-Day 1
Though I can't pinpoint the exact moment of my descent, I can say that February of 2011 is when I fell so far down I had difficulty spotting the sun's rays on a daily basis. By March, I was swimming with the angler fish and I think Grace was, too, for a period. Her month-long bout of Scarlet Fever combined with the severe allergic reaction to the penicillin left us both struggling for air and light--for hope and faith.
Grace--she bounces, she floats up, she swims to the top, she basks in the shimmering waters until she feels her wings growing back... and she flies. She can sink to the bottom and shoot up to the sky in one day--in one moment. She lives mostly in the now and I am so grateful for her ability to dance in the light even when shadows lurk in the corners. She seeks out the bright clarity of joy.
I pulled it out of her on October 2 that she has been bullied in school since day one by a particular girl who knows enough to always do it when no adults are within hearing range. Grace is naturally drawn to people. She loves all people, male/female isn't an issue for her as it seems to be for many of the girls in her class. But back on October 2, I had no idea, Grace really had no idea how rampant the possessiveness and jealousies ran in that room. When she first told me, I felt the blow from the sucker punch--what must she feel everyday when she goes to school? The problem with the first girl came to a climax by the next week when she and another girl ganged up on Grace and threatened to punch her in the face (because she was friends with a boy who "belongs to" another girl, a girl who we thought was Grace's friend, too). It was the first time her teacher was able to catch something without making it worse for Grace by letting the girl know she'd told someone.
The principal and a counselor were brought in to deal with it, parents were called, I am on top of it, her teacher is on top of it, and now even Grace is on top of it because she gets it: it's the mean girl syndrome and Grace is the target. Ironically, the first girl who wouldn't leave her alone until it came to that culmination hasn't been much of an issue at all, mostly now it is the girl who befriended her the second week of school. Her teacher says that Grace uplifts the classroom with her upbeat and happy personality. She says that Grace is helpful and friendly to her classmates, she says that she is "lovely." She says she has never had a class like this before: where the ties of possessiveness run so deeply among so many of the girls--even to include some of the boys, making them uncomfortable. (The boy who is friends with Grace and made to feel that it is wrong to talk to her, because he "belongs to" the other girl, for instance.)
Her teacher has said she feels like she has to protect Grace from a hornet's nest and little fires that these girls are starting everywhere with their gossip. Grace was seven until two weeks ago and these girls are nine and ten years old. They are fourth graders. Grace really is so innocent, was so innocent...yet so much more mature. She gets it now. It saddens me.
Okay, on November 8 when I originally wrote this in my journal, she was only just starting to grasp it and she was still seven, technically. I'm improvising on what I wrote earlier. I was more sad and hopeless then. Only 18 days ago. What I really wrote was:
I cry most nights for what she must endure, for the chipping away at her innocence by girls who obviously just need more love and better role models in their own lives. (One day, when I had to intervene to stop a fist fight between two girls in Gracie's class before the morning bell rang, I went home and cried for them, too. The words they used and the front they put up--Grace wouldn't even know about...and I know she is lucky in that--that she has love and support at home, even if school is a dicey social situation.) I cry because she deserves a break--I feel like the only person and thing she can count on is me. Her dad is too far away and her brother is gone so often...her true friends are now a forty minute drive away...
I cry because I have been down too long. That water is filling my lungs making me just want to give in to it and sleep and sleep. I'm drowning and no one gets it. Maybe Joel does. But he's in Arizona. My kids have an inkling because they live with me--though I fake it so often for them, I don't think they realize how bad it is. But they know. I can't fake it 24/7 on the weekends. The very chore of opening my eyes each morning is hardly bearable. But I do it. It has to be done. There is no one else, so I must. I must lift my head from the pillow. I must use those stomach muscles and make my body sit up. I must make my legs swing to the edge of the bed and I must make my feet stay planted on the ground. My kids need me, especially Grace, and I must stand.
(I started this on November 8, but could not finish or put it on this blog until the 26th, when again...I couldn't finish. Today is January 12, 2012, as I'm about to type these last few paragraphs from a boat, drifting mostly peacefully and breathing real air instead of those heavy, heavy waters.)
I went to the doctor finally, on a recommendation of a very dear, old friend who dropped by unexpectedly and told me I should. It had never once occurred to me, even though I'm a nurse and have passed a thousand antidepressant pills to a thousand different patients, I never thought once to go to a doctor. To make an already long story a bit shorter, I was diagnosed and prescribed meds, but I'm just not a pill person. They are wonderful for some who are in pain (emotional, physical) but not me. I waited till a Friday, took one pill and did not react well to it (difficulties talking and breathing, jittery-an allergic reaction, I'm sure). I was alone with Grace all weekend, so if things got worse...the pill was a 24 hour thing, but the effects lasted longer. They faded of course, but even on Sunday I was aware of the slight tightness in my throat each time I spoke.
So. I decided to create my own serotonin-boost. I know I could have done this all along--I'm not only a nurse, but a nurse with a B.S. in exercise science! I know the right thing to do to get the chemical imbalance in my brain righted from being down for so long, but the irony is that when anyone is depressed, we can't make ourselves do it...really, it just doesn't even come up in our thoughts. But that was a scary weekend and it was my wakeup call, and I just suddenly decided on an action plan that would help me climb out of the depression the natural way: Yoga. And writing.
As most everyone knows, exercise--any kind you enjoy--creates more of those feel-good chemicals and yoga is especially good because of the whole philosophy behind it. Letting go of what you don't need. Being in the now. Bre-e-e-a-t-h--e-. Just breathe. And writing because I love it. I told myself that I would MAKE myself do yoga and write every single day. I even thought I might blog on working through my 2 yoga DVDs, one of which has over 20 different routines on it, but you see that hasn't happened.
I've been keeping busy helping out at Grace's school and with Nathan's People to People fundraising. I slacked on the daily yoga but I'm coming up. Ironically, Jen noticed something was off about me that weekend I tried the antidepressant (I took Grace to her daughter's birthday party), she said SAM noticed and told her she better call me or do something. It was embarrassing, but also like a lifeline was tossed out. Thank you, friends.
In case you're wondering, my plan is working even though I'm not following it to a tee, or even to a tah. I never was one to plan-plan. I'm more of a take it as it comes. But having that plan, that idea, that sudden shock of realizing I need to DO something to get myself back up, has helped tremendously. It may not have happened if not for that very dear person in my life who first noticed (or verbalized it) that I needed help and that I should get to a doctor. Thank you.
Grace--she bounces, she floats up, she swims to the top, she basks in the shimmering waters until she feels her wings growing back... and she flies. She can sink to the bottom and shoot up to the sky in one day--in one moment. She lives mostly in the now and I am so grateful for her ability to dance in the light even when shadows lurk in the corners. She seeks out the bright clarity of joy.
I pulled it out of her on October 2 that she has been bullied in school since day one by a particular girl who knows enough to always do it when no adults are within hearing range. Grace is naturally drawn to people. She loves all people, male/female isn't an issue for her as it seems to be for many of the girls in her class. But back on October 2, I had no idea, Grace really had no idea how rampant the possessiveness and jealousies ran in that room. When she first told me, I felt the blow from the sucker punch--what must she feel everyday when she goes to school? The problem with the first girl came to a climax by the next week when she and another girl ganged up on Grace and threatened to punch her in the face (because she was friends with a boy who "belongs to" another girl, a girl who we thought was Grace's friend, too). It was the first time her teacher was able to catch something without making it worse for Grace by letting the girl know she'd told someone.
The principal and a counselor were brought in to deal with it, parents were called, I am on top of it, her teacher is on top of it, and now even Grace is on top of it because she gets it: it's the mean girl syndrome and Grace is the target. Ironically, the first girl who wouldn't leave her alone until it came to that culmination hasn't been much of an issue at all, mostly now it is the girl who befriended her the second week of school. Her teacher says that Grace uplifts the classroom with her upbeat and happy personality. She says that Grace is helpful and friendly to her classmates, she says that she is "lovely." She says she has never had a class like this before: where the ties of possessiveness run so deeply among so many of the girls--even to include some of the boys, making them uncomfortable. (The boy who is friends with Grace and made to feel that it is wrong to talk to her, because he "belongs to" the other girl, for instance.)
Her teacher has said she feels like she has to protect Grace from a hornet's nest and little fires that these girls are starting everywhere with their gossip. Grace was seven until two weeks ago and these girls are nine and ten years old. They are fourth graders. Grace really is so innocent, was so innocent...yet so much more mature. She gets it now. It saddens me.
Okay, on November 8 when I originally wrote this in my journal, she was only just starting to grasp it and she was still seven, technically. I'm improvising on what I wrote earlier. I was more sad and hopeless then. Only 18 days ago. What I really wrote was:
I cry most nights for what she must endure, for the chipping away at her innocence by girls who obviously just need more love and better role models in their own lives. (One day, when I had to intervene to stop a fist fight between two girls in Gracie's class before the morning bell rang, I went home and cried for them, too. The words they used and the front they put up--Grace wouldn't even know about...and I know she is lucky in that--that she has love and support at home, even if school is a dicey social situation.) I cry because she deserves a break--I feel like the only person and thing she can count on is me. Her dad is too far away and her brother is gone so often...her true friends are now a forty minute drive away...
I cry because I have been down too long. That water is filling my lungs making me just want to give in to it and sleep and sleep. I'm drowning and no one gets it. Maybe Joel does. But he's in Arizona. My kids have an inkling because they live with me--though I fake it so often for them, I don't think they realize how bad it is. But they know. I can't fake it 24/7 on the weekends. The very chore of opening my eyes each morning is hardly bearable. But I do it. It has to be done. There is no one else, so I must. I must lift my head from the pillow. I must use those stomach muscles and make my body sit up. I must make my legs swing to the edge of the bed and I must make my feet stay planted on the ground. My kids need me, especially Grace, and I must stand.
(I started this on November 8, but could not finish or put it on this blog until the 26th, when again...I couldn't finish. Today is January 12, 2012, as I'm about to type these last few paragraphs from a boat, drifting mostly peacefully and breathing real air instead of those heavy, heavy waters.)
I went to the doctor finally, on a recommendation of a very dear, old friend who dropped by unexpectedly and told me I should. It had never once occurred to me, even though I'm a nurse and have passed a thousand antidepressant pills to a thousand different patients, I never thought once to go to a doctor. To make an already long story a bit shorter, I was diagnosed and prescribed meds, but I'm just not a pill person. They are wonderful for some who are in pain (emotional, physical) but not me. I waited till a Friday, took one pill and did not react well to it (difficulties talking and breathing, jittery-an allergic reaction, I'm sure). I was alone with Grace all weekend, so if things got worse...the pill was a 24 hour thing, but the effects lasted longer. They faded of course, but even on Sunday I was aware of the slight tightness in my throat each time I spoke.
So. I decided to create my own serotonin-boost. I know I could have done this all along--I'm not only a nurse, but a nurse with a B.S. in exercise science! I know the right thing to do to get the chemical imbalance in my brain righted from being down for so long, but the irony is that when anyone is depressed, we can't make ourselves do it...really, it just doesn't even come up in our thoughts. But that was a scary weekend and it was my wakeup call, and I just suddenly decided on an action plan that would help me climb out of the depression the natural way: Yoga. And writing.
As most everyone knows, exercise--any kind you enjoy--creates more of those feel-good chemicals and yoga is especially good because of the whole philosophy behind it. Letting go of what you don't need. Being in the now. Bre-e-e-a-t-h--e-. Just breathe. And writing because I love it. I told myself that I would MAKE myself do yoga and write every single day. I even thought I might blog on working through my 2 yoga DVDs, one of which has over 20 different routines on it, but you see that hasn't happened.
I've been keeping busy helping out at Grace's school and with Nathan's People to People fundraising. I slacked on the daily yoga but I'm coming up. Ironically, Jen noticed something was off about me that weekend I tried the antidepressant (I took Grace to her daughter's birthday party), she said SAM noticed and told her she better call me or do something. It was embarrassing, but also like a lifeline was tossed out. Thank you, friends.
In case you're wondering, my plan is working even though I'm not following it to a tee, or even to a tah. I never was one to plan-plan. I'm more of a take it as it comes. But having that plan, that idea, that sudden shock of realizing I need to DO something to get myself back up, has helped tremendously. It may not have happened if not for that very dear person in my life who first noticed (or verbalized it) that I needed help and that I should get to a doctor. Thank you.
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