Upside Down Dancing Snoopy

On 9-11-11 I placed a dancing Snoopy and fluttering Woodstock sticker on the inside flap of my journal. Snoopy was always my dad's favorite character and since he passed on from this place to the next back in 2004, Snoopy has been a sign to me that my dad is somewhere near. I decided I needed a pick-me-up as often as I could get it--for my own sake and for my kids' sake. By placing Snoopy (a smiling and dancing Snoopy) right in my journal, I would somehow guarantee my dad's protective and guiding presence when I needed it most.

On 9-12-11, I realized that I had placed the Snoopy stickers upside down. Coincidentally...providentially, on that day Grace had her first really great day since Joel left from his four day visit on 9-6-11 and I had my first yoga class. On that night I wrote this in my journal:

Yesterday Gracie stayed awake
and awake. And she cried
and she cried.
For her Daddy.
At midnight
she slept.

At midnight I cried
and I cried. And I stayed
awake
and awake. And I cried more
and more.
Then,
I remembered

The moon.
All night
ignoring its light
from the
sun
as the waters spilled.
And there it was
shining still
its splendor
on my tears.

First I implored
regained myself
gave thanks
grateful.
Our rich life
full of love.

Faith. I cast my spell
smiled a real smile.
Apologized for the lapse.
Texted Joel to
say his prayers again
in the light of the full moon
I slept.


(That was on one page. On the flip-side of that page, I continued:)


Today, after school

Grace

prattling on
animated
sophisticated
detailing her day
she floated through the kitchen
lunch dishes in the sink
water bottle to the freezer...

She stilled;
her thoughts
her movements
her hand gestures
never her smile
or her radiance
"I had the BEST day! I LOVE it there..."

And I was effervescent.
And so
so thankful.


(She was referring to her new school, which, by the second day there, we all knew was a great fit for her mainly because of the awesome Mrs. Suida, but the kids welcomed her too. Being there helps her to get through the day knowing her dad isn't home yet. Thank God she is a child who mostly lives in the present moment.)

My little diddy of a poem went on to talk about my freeing yoga class and Shari, the perfect yoga teacher for me, but I think that ending sums it up best. Grace is happy; I am happy.

So that was the 12th and that's when, after seeing that I'd stuck the Dancing Snoopy upside down, I said to myself: It's about time I write something for my blog--that Dancing Snoopy...there's something there...But first, sleep.

Since February, I had been surviving on four hours of sleep most days. But that night I fell asleep just past midnight and didn't wake until six-thirty. I was ecstatic. Things were looking up.

Of course, nothing lasts. Nothing stays the same.

The next night, Gracie cried again for Joel. Nights are most difficult because she finally slows down...and it all comes crashing to the front of her mind. It's always there. But at nighttime she can't ignore it as easily. With her pale blue eyes turning green as her tears pour out: He left when I just turned FIVE. Now I'm almost EIGHT. It's been almost THREE YEARS. He has to get one of those Michigan jobs BEFORE three years. He can't be gone from us for three years.

These are the things she tells me on that night as she cries and cries.

But nothing lasts. Nothing stays the same.

The next day at school she lives in the present moment and she is happy again. Up and down. Down and up. But she never lacks for love. Always, there is love surrounding her.

I put that upside down Dancing Snoopy in my journal on the tenth anniversary of 9-11. For so many thousands of people, their lives were turned upside down on that day. Changed forever.

I put him there in a moment when I was not thinking of the people of 9-11, though I'd been listening to stories of hope and love on NPR all day, in that moment I was only thinking, begging: Please help us come together as a family again. Help Joel back to us with his job intact. Please give Gracie peace, give me peace until we make it to that day. Can someone help Joel's light be felt by the man or woman making the decisions about who gets the Detroit and Selfridge jobs? Dad? Grandma? Grandma Meinema or Grandma Rozema? Any of the ancestors? Do any of you have any clout to get our prayers answered by mid-October at the latest? Let them know his work ethic and SEE him and get him back home to us...

(Joel applied for a position here back in January. He knew he wouldn't know anything until July. He also applied for an Ohio position in May since no Michigan postions were posted. In July he found out that he didn't get on the Ohio "list" but that he made it onto the list for the position he applied for in January. So he's on a "list" to potentially be transferred back here, to the Detroit area. They notify you either way--so we hope and pray each day, so many moments of the day, that he will get that call...We've kind of agreed that if we don't hear anything by end of October, Joel will have to let them know he MUST get home even if it means quitting. Joel doesn't want that, I don't want that, but we can't do this much longer. Grace can't and we can't stand being the ones responsible for her pain.)

So that was all that was on my mind when I stuck Snoopy in my journal inadvertantly upside down. It was on the same night that Gracie cried until midnight and then I cried until three (which was really not too unusual lately for either of us.) It was the anniversary of a night when ten years ago, and probably on that night, thousands cried and cried, too. The next day, 9-12 was a completely new, changed world. Life turns on a dime.

We just have to flip it.
Flip the page.
Flip the book.
Flip our thinking.
Flip our actions.
Nothing lasts. Nothing stays the same.

And that's a good thing.

It helps us to get through those unyieldingly painful days. It helps us to not feel so lost when we have a streak of seemingly perfect days that suddenly turn arduous. The dancing, the singing, the weightless joy will return, and...it will eventually leave again...but always, it comes back. Our dancing, smiling selves might get mixed up or turned upside down--but we're still there--we just have to remember to flip back when we're ready.

My Upside Down Dancing Snoopy and Woodstock are there to remind me to have faith, keep dancing, never give up hope, and always remember the moon.